Article on Love
What is Love?
The world's great wisdom traditions say that love is the ultimate reality of existence. In human romantic relationships, the more we strive to reflect that divine, universal love, the more harmony and freedom we will have with our partner. Real love has no agendas, no attachments, no ideas, no demands, and no conditions. These are all things we add to the experience of love, which begin to contaminate our love, and which also begin to confuse us about what love is. Real, uncontaminated love has one simple agenda: to love!
Our minds can talk about love, but they can't actually experience love. Love can only be experienced through feeling. Many times we confuse the experience of love with the word or idea of love. You can say the words "I love you," and not be feeling love. You can also feel love when you think you can't or shouldn't.
True love of another human being is wanting what is best for them even if that's not you. Our idea of what is best for them and what is truly best for them may be different.
Real love can't be used as a "bargaining chip." (Example: "I will love you if you promise to never leave or hurt me.") Bargaining and other forms of manipulation begin to contaminate our love for another human being.
What Is a Relationship?
In some ways, "relationship" is a made-up concept. A relationship can be created any way that works for the two people involved. Often we get fixated on past images of what a relationship is suppose to look like: parents, movies, fantasies, and even previous relationships. Many times we limit our enjoyment by holding on to our attachments of what we think a relationship is supposed to look like.
The more exciting possibility is to invent whatever relationship would work best for the two people involved. There is really no specific way a relationship has to look. It can be a truly exciting art to sit down with another human being and invent a relationship that will mutually support both of you. This also keeps the door open to recreating the relationship or aspects of the relationship from time to time so both people will continue to be served and enlivened.
"Getting to know one's partner can be a life-long fascination"
Even if you have been in a relationship for many years, you can still recreate or add more to your existing relationship, as long as both people are committed to having a fulfilling relationship.
Warning: It's important that both people authentically want to be in the relationship. If one partner is secretly ambivalent or staying because they are scared to leave, that person will tend to unconsciously sabotage any effort to create a healthy relationship.
Playing on the Same Team
Do you play on the same team as your partner?
If you see your partner as being on your team, when you have a conflict it becomes a challenge for you to work to resolve (the conflict is outside the relationship).
If you see your partner as your opponent, then the conflict is you against your partner. The conflict then often becomes a war about winning rather than about resolution.
It is possible to create a relationship based on team playing where each partner is engaged in contribution to the other. Choosing to play consciously together as a team shifts the focus from individual needs to the larger needs of the relationship as a whole. When this happens, there is an increase in the intimacy, openness and love available.
On the individual level, when you are working with each other as opposed to working against each other you may discover that many aspects of your life will be elevated.
Final thought: Most couples are provided with the opportunity either to elevate each other's lives for the better or wreak havoc in each other's lives.
Honesty and Openness
It goes almost without saying that you need to be honest to have a good relationship. Sometimes people feel like they are being honest because they haven't told any outright lies, but at the same time they aren't being very open with sharing their feelings, vulnerability, or whatever else maybe happening inside them. For someone to have a chance to get really close to you, it is essential to allow them to get beyond your surface walls. This allows the relationship to connect on deeper and more intimate levels. It also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This is a very important point: be gentle to your partner when they are vulnerable. If you are mean or critical they will be much less likely to let you in again.
How Do You Create More Honesty and Openness in Your Relationship?
For starters, have the courage to be more open and honest yourself. From my personal experience, when you become more open and honest, most people will respond by becoming more open and honest back. It's kind of like everyone is waiting for the other person to go first.
How you listen matters. If you create a space with your listening that feels safe to your partner, he/she is likely to be more open with you. Over time as we discover that someone is a safe person to open up and express our real selves with, we will continue to open up.
Underneath our facades and layers of armor, we all are these beautiful vulnerable beings, like sweet children. The reason we developed the armor in the first place was to protect that soft and innocent part of ourselves from attacks. It takes time to trust if we let down our masks and armor that we won't be punched in the stomach. So, if you want your partner to be more open with you, be sensitive and gentle when they are opening up. If you are mean and critical when they are being open, they will be far less likely to open up again.
Ultimately: The place to get is where both of you can drop your masks and armor with each other. Then you can simply just be yourselves with one another. That in itself is one of the greatest gifts of being in a good relationship!
Loving All-Out
To have any chance of something really special with another human being, it's essential to transcend the pettiness of possession and neediness. Be willing to love beyond getting what you want. Make your priority be loving the person and wanting what's best for them, even if it's not you at some point. This doesn't make you a sucker. You can love your partner all out and still choose to leave the relationship if they don't treat you well. This is in fact loving yourself all out (which is also essential to having a good relationship with another human being).
Many times what keeps people from having a good relationship is their fear of losing one another. Important: It's critical to make the love and the friendship of another human being senior to the relationship. If not, the relationship becomes more important to you than the other person or their happiness. To have a transcendent relationship, your attachment to the relationship needs to be secondary to your commitment to love and support one another whether or not you stay together. I know it is ironic but this road actually gives you the possibility of a wonderful life long partnership. The other road keeps you in fear and desperation.
Remembering to Have Fun
Most couples do a good job of having fun for the first few months or even years of their relationship. Then many times they stop having fun together. I guess between kids, work, and life's obligations they can't find the time. If you find this happening to you, it's a good idea to plan something fun at least once a week that the two of you can do alone. If you have kids it maybe getting a baby sitter just so the two of you can have a relaxing evening at home alone. Playing and having fun is one of the primary ways that human beings bond! If you stop having fun together a relationship will often go stale or feel flat.
Falling Asleep
Many times as we fall into routines with our significant other, somewhere between "pass the coffee," and "I'm late to work," we stop making real contact with our partner. One day we fall asleep and the next thing we know is years have passed and we wake up wondering what happened? How did we lose sight of each other? One of the pitfalls for all human beings is that we tend to go unconscious with anything that is routine in our life, including our partner. No matter how wonderful they may be, given time we tend to take our loved ones for granted. Don't forget to love the people in your life every day! This world is full of tales of people who only when faced with the loss of a loved one discovered how much more they wish they had expressed. Make the people in your life the priority, not the other stuff! If you have ever lost a loved one you understood instantly that all that other stuff wasn't really all that important at all. Make it your priority every day to love the people in your life all out. This will help you guard against falling asleep and taking each other for granted.
We don't have as much time in this life as we may think and you never know when it's the last time you will see a loved one. I recommend loving with a sense of urgency and not taking your time with a significant other for granted! I say this not to scare you but to wake you up; we all can use a reminder from time to time.
Repeat Fights
Unresolved conflicts tend to repeat themselves. Many times couples have been having the same fight for over 20 years and don't even realize it because the content is slightly different but at its root the problem is coming from the same place. If you are not able to resolve a conflict, get help: it will save you a lot of unnecessary pain in the future.
Unexpressed Anger/Hurt Feelings
Over time, withheld anger and hurt feelings cover up our ability to feel our love for another human being. Part of being honest is expressing to your partner what you are mad or hurt about (without being mean or abusive). Conversely, be willing to allow your partner to share their feelings of anger and hurt with you. I know it can be challenging to listen to at times. Yet in any relationship feelings are going to get hurt and people are going to get mad. The ability to express and listen to hurt feelings and anger and get over them is critical to having a long term fulfilling relationship. I know expressing anger and hurt feelings can sometimes be taboo in our culture. But people can get over being hurt or mad, it's far from the end of the world. In fact, once you have experienced staying with another human being while they are hurt or mad at you and eventually getting to the other side, you will discover that this can be quite a gift to your relationship. In fact you are likely to experience a new level of intimacy and love in your relationship. Since this is an area that many of us have never been taught how to deal with, it may be best to find a skilled mediator, counselor, or therapist for the first time, particularly for coaching in how to keep your anger clean and non- abusive. Lastly, remember the idea of expressing your anger or hurt feelings is to get over them, not to punish, blame or belittle your partner.
When expressing anger, keep it simple. Leave your story and blame out! Say, "I don't like what you said or did." Be specific; don't add extra venom. Example: "I didn't like when you said I was a lazy bum," or "I didn't like that you went out without calling me." Again, the idea isn't to make the other person wrong but to rather get over your anger/hurt so you can love them again.
Again, this is probably something that you will not be able to get fully by reading and applying. I recommend getting some help/training for at least the first few times.
The world's great wisdom traditions say that love is the ultimate reality of existence. In human romantic relationships, the more we strive to reflect that divine, universal love, the more harmony and freedom we will have with our partner. Real love has no agendas, no attachments, no ideas, no demands, and no conditions. These are all things we add to the experience of love, which begin to contaminate our love, and which also begin to confuse us about what love is. Real, uncontaminated love has one simple agenda: to love!
Our minds can talk about love, but they can't actually experience love. Love can only be experienced through feeling. Many times we confuse the experience of love with the word or idea of love. You can say the words "I love you," and not be feeling love. You can also feel love when you think you can't or shouldn't.
True love of another human being is wanting what is best for them even if that's not you. Our idea of what is best for them and what is truly best for them may be different.
Real love can't be used as a "bargaining chip." (Example: "I will love you if you promise to never leave or hurt me.") Bargaining and other forms of manipulation begin to contaminate our love for another human being.
What Is a Relationship?
In some ways, "relationship" is a made-up concept. A relationship can be created any way that works for the two people involved. Often we get fixated on past images of what a relationship is suppose to look like: parents, movies, fantasies, and even previous relationships. Many times we limit our enjoyment by holding on to our attachments of what we think a relationship is supposed to look like.
The more exciting possibility is to invent whatever relationship would work best for the two people involved. There is really no specific way a relationship has to look. It can be a truly exciting art to sit down with another human being and invent a relationship that will mutually support both of you. This also keeps the door open to recreating the relationship or aspects of the relationship from time to time so both people will continue to be served and enlivened.
"Getting to know one's partner can be a life-long fascination"
Even if you have been in a relationship for many years, you can still recreate or add more to your existing relationship, as long as both people are committed to having a fulfilling relationship.
Warning: It's important that both people authentically want to be in the relationship. If one partner is secretly ambivalent or staying because they are scared to leave, that person will tend to unconsciously sabotage any effort to create a healthy relationship.
Playing on the Same Team
Do you play on the same team as your partner?
If you see your partner as being on your team, when you have a conflict it becomes a challenge for you to work to resolve (the conflict is outside the relationship).
If you see your partner as your opponent, then the conflict is you against your partner. The conflict then often becomes a war about winning rather than about resolution.
It is possible to create a relationship based on team playing where each partner is engaged in contribution to the other. Choosing to play consciously together as a team shifts the focus from individual needs to the larger needs of the relationship as a whole. When this happens, there is an increase in the intimacy, openness and love available.
On the individual level, when you are working with each other as opposed to working against each other you may discover that many aspects of your life will be elevated.
Final thought: Most couples are provided with the opportunity either to elevate each other's lives for the better or wreak havoc in each other's lives.
Honesty and Openness
It goes almost without saying that you need to be honest to have a good relationship. Sometimes people feel like they are being honest because they haven't told any outright lies, but at the same time they aren't being very open with sharing their feelings, vulnerability, or whatever else maybe happening inside them. For someone to have a chance to get really close to you, it is essential to allow them to get beyond your surface walls. This allows the relationship to connect on deeper and more intimate levels. It also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This is a very important point: be gentle to your partner when they are vulnerable. If you are mean or critical they will be much less likely to let you in again.
How Do You Create More Honesty and Openness in Your Relationship?
For starters, have the courage to be more open and honest yourself. From my personal experience, when you become more open and honest, most people will respond by becoming more open and honest back. It's kind of like everyone is waiting for the other person to go first.
How you listen matters. If you create a space with your listening that feels safe to your partner, he/she is likely to be more open with you. Over time as we discover that someone is a safe person to open up and express our real selves with, we will continue to open up.
Underneath our facades and layers of armor, we all are these beautiful vulnerable beings, like sweet children. The reason we developed the armor in the first place was to protect that soft and innocent part of ourselves from attacks. It takes time to trust if we let down our masks and armor that we won't be punched in the stomach. So, if you want your partner to be more open with you, be sensitive and gentle when they are opening up. If you are mean and critical when they are being open, they will be far less likely to open up again.
Ultimately: The place to get is where both of you can drop your masks and armor with each other. Then you can simply just be yourselves with one another. That in itself is one of the greatest gifts of being in a good relationship!
Loving All-Out
To have any chance of something really special with another human being, it's essential to transcend the pettiness of possession and neediness. Be willing to love beyond getting what you want. Make your priority be loving the person and wanting what's best for them, even if it's not you at some point. This doesn't make you a sucker. You can love your partner all out and still choose to leave the relationship if they don't treat you well. This is in fact loving yourself all out (which is also essential to having a good relationship with another human being).
Many times what keeps people from having a good relationship is their fear of losing one another. Important: It's critical to make the love and the friendship of another human being senior to the relationship. If not, the relationship becomes more important to you than the other person or their happiness. To have a transcendent relationship, your attachment to the relationship needs to be secondary to your commitment to love and support one another whether or not you stay together. I know it is ironic but this road actually gives you the possibility of a wonderful life long partnership. The other road keeps you in fear and desperation.
Remembering to Have Fun
Most couples do a good job of having fun for the first few months or even years of their relationship. Then many times they stop having fun together. I guess between kids, work, and life's obligations they can't find the time. If you find this happening to you, it's a good idea to plan something fun at least once a week that the two of you can do alone. If you have kids it maybe getting a baby sitter just so the two of you can have a relaxing evening at home alone. Playing and having fun is one of the primary ways that human beings bond! If you stop having fun together a relationship will often go stale or feel flat.
Falling Asleep
Many times as we fall into routines with our significant other, somewhere between "pass the coffee," and "I'm late to work," we stop making real contact with our partner. One day we fall asleep and the next thing we know is years have passed and we wake up wondering what happened? How did we lose sight of each other? One of the pitfalls for all human beings is that we tend to go unconscious with anything that is routine in our life, including our partner. No matter how wonderful they may be, given time we tend to take our loved ones for granted. Don't forget to love the people in your life every day! This world is full of tales of people who only when faced with the loss of a loved one discovered how much more they wish they had expressed. Make the people in your life the priority, not the other stuff! If you have ever lost a loved one you understood instantly that all that other stuff wasn't really all that important at all. Make it your priority every day to love the people in your life all out. This will help you guard against falling asleep and taking each other for granted.
We don't have as much time in this life as we may think and you never know when it's the last time you will see a loved one. I recommend loving with a sense of urgency and not taking your time with a significant other for granted! I say this not to scare you but to wake you up; we all can use a reminder from time to time.
Repeat Fights
Unresolved conflicts tend to repeat themselves. Many times couples have been having the same fight for over 20 years and don't even realize it because the content is slightly different but at its root the problem is coming from the same place. If you are not able to resolve a conflict, get help: it will save you a lot of unnecessary pain in the future.
Unexpressed Anger/Hurt Feelings
Over time, withheld anger and hurt feelings cover up our ability to feel our love for another human being. Part of being honest is expressing to your partner what you are mad or hurt about (without being mean or abusive). Conversely, be willing to allow your partner to share their feelings of anger and hurt with you. I know it can be challenging to listen to at times. Yet in any relationship feelings are going to get hurt and people are going to get mad. The ability to express and listen to hurt feelings and anger and get over them is critical to having a long term fulfilling relationship. I know expressing anger and hurt feelings can sometimes be taboo in our culture. But people can get over being hurt or mad, it's far from the end of the world. In fact, once you have experienced staying with another human being while they are hurt or mad at you and eventually getting to the other side, you will discover that this can be quite a gift to your relationship. In fact you are likely to experience a new level of intimacy and love in your relationship. Since this is an area that many of us have never been taught how to deal with, it may be best to find a skilled mediator, counselor, or therapist for the first time, particularly for coaching in how to keep your anger clean and non- abusive. Lastly, remember the idea of expressing your anger or hurt feelings is to get over them, not to punish, blame or belittle your partner.
When expressing anger, keep it simple. Leave your story and blame out! Say, "I don't like what you said or did." Be specific; don't add extra venom. Example: "I didn't like when you said I was a lazy bum," or "I didn't like that you went out without calling me." Again, the idea isn't to make the other person wrong but to rather get over your anger/hurt so you can love them again.
Again, this is probably something that you will not be able to get fully by reading and applying. I recommend getting some help/training for at least the first few times.
posted by Emmanuel at 1:50 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home